Monday, March 5, 2012

Show me your teeth

I really hate my teeth.

I mean seriously. No bones about it, my teeth are my least favorite part of my whole body. I have a grin that comes straight out of the Big Book of British Smiles and I hate it.

Most of the hatred comes out of the aesthetics of it, of course. A certain amount of crookedness is fine—can even be cute in a quirky way—but you reach a level where that loses its appeal. Where the overjet and overbite and space between the teeth lend themselves more easily to comparisons with Cletus (of slack-jawed yokel fame).* It doesn't help that I'm missing a molar, since I was born without two permanent teeth and lost one of the baby teeth.

I'm fairly certain my teeth counted against me in interviews, as they don't exactly lend themselves to the polished professionalism a lawyer is supposed to present or whatever. At any rate they don't help, and it's one more thing to be worried about when I'm in the midst of being awkward as fuck trying to sell myself. As for dating, forget about it; see the above confidence thing, but I've also had people tell me to my face I'd be cute if not for my teeth. It was a WTF moment not because I didn't believe it, but because I didn't expect anyone to be so gauche as to actually say that to me.

So, Lisa** needs braces. Unfortunately my folks couldn't afford them when I was younger and the dental plan (which we do have) would've covered some of it. Now, I could wait until I have a paying job to start orthodontic work, which means waiting that long to replace that missing molar too. That was my original plan, but lately I've been doubting its feasibility. I've been getting impatient and feeling the limitations I thought my teeth placed on me more keenly.

I could also mature and come to accept my teeth as they are, buuuut...

Fuck that noise.*** Started with the top teeth this morning before class. And I'm not even going to lie: I was so much more excited for this than I was for my New Orleans trip last week.****

*I'm really pulling out the Simpsons references today, aren't I? Also, I wish I could whittle the future.

**I'm stretching with this one to keep the joke going. I could totally go by Lisa, so it counts.

***This is my "fuck that noise" face. Or the best I could do while still showing my teeth.

****That was hella fun though. Might do a post on it later, once I can steal borrow Jacki's pictures.


  1. Still real jelly. I am going to have to wait until I have a real job because the Army wouldn't pay for them.

    1. Well, if I had your teeth I'd probably wait too. It's the overjet that really killed me. They're expensive as hell, but I had some wiggle room in my loan budget. It helps that my ortho will let me just pay twice a year.