My fellow South Carolinians, aren't you sick of politicians caring about silly things like lightbulbs? I'm here today to tell you why you should vote for me to be your Representative of the Fourth Congressional District of South Carolina this November. I promise I won't tweet pictures of myself in my underwear. Probably.
It's time the Fourth District had a representative that cared about the issues our residents face. Someone who is on the ground there every single day, tirelessly working to improve your lives. Someone who only cackled for five minutes at Clemson's recent devastating Orange Bowl loss. As I sit here this evening in my apartment in Michigan, I can't help but think I am that person.
As someone who was born* and raised right here in Greenville, I know what we need in Congress. We need someone who can push for the needs of South Carolina. Someone who will reject the special interests and lobbying efforts of companies (unless they are currently based in or planning to move to our district, in which case contact me about sponsorship deals (I'm looking at you, BMW)). Someone who will ensure our district's dominance of the state, including demanding tribute and territory from lesser districts. Someone who can do her damnedest to step to the current Congress Crazy-Eyes Champion, Rep. Bachmann.
Now I know what you're saying. You think I'm too young, but the Founding Fathers disagree. See, a little document called the Constitution says I'll be old enough to run well before the election itself. Clearly that's all the authority you need. You might think I won't know what I'm doing, but do the current members of the House? In order to promote a more transparent government, I promise not to pretend I have any clue what's going on.
So remember: a vote for me is a vote for a better tomorrow, because hell, it's not like it can get much worse.
*Note: Tragically, my birth certificate was lost in a very small fire. No other copies are available anywhere, so you'll have to trust me on this.